Il Barman

LA STAGIONE – CARLETTI Dei Nemici Estivi

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Ho letto che le donne desiderano un secondo parto solo perché dimentiche del dolore del primo. Uno stress di proporzioni tali può agire sulla memoria e cambiare la percezione di ciò che è stato.
Come per la stagione turistica. A settembre giuri che è l’ultima e che ti troverai un lavoro fisso, ma avendo cazzeggiato fino a febbraio non hai un soldo e inizi a chiedere in giro per un nuovo ingaggio.
A maggio la riviera si intiepidisce, e il clima mistico-religioso stagionale si fa opprimente; la Stagione (di qui in maiuscolo) sarà benevola? Sapremo compiacerla sacrificandole il nostro tempo e raziocinio? Come ogni credo che si rispetti, il paganesimo villeggiante esercita sulla mente dei fedeli un potere inesorabile, convincendoli che l’unica vita degna di essere vissuta sia di chi onori la Stagione e converta gli infedeli. I commoventi dogmi mi son sempre stati tramandati per via orale, fra i più significativi ricordo “devi lavorare, non rispondere”, “come sarebbe non ti ho dato una copia del contratto? ti sbagli” o “non parlar male dei Turisti”.

Nota 1- I Turisti (in maiuscolo in quanto nome proprio) non sono un gruppo eterogeneo composto da una normale percentuale di stronzi e brave persone, il capriccioso gergo stagionale li approccia come un’entità. Un secondo sono dipinti come una calamità e un secondo dopo ti dicono che se sputi nel piatto dove mangi sei proprio un coglione. Entrambe posizioni validissime se devo dir la mia. Ok. Fine della nota.

Fino a oggi sono sopravvissuto più o meno dignitosamente nelle vesti di “dipendente”, senza mai entrare fino in fondo nella setta degli “operatori turistici”, ma un’offerta allettante e il fatto che firmo tutto senza leggere mi hanno mutato in un piccolo imprenditore con una piccola impresa, pronto a procacciarsi il pasto nella savana stagionale.
Ora, gestendo un piccolo bar sulla spiaggia, rientro nel girone dei “chioschisti”, sui quali grava l’ombra della temibile “associazione chioschisti”, l’organo che decide quanto devi far pagare un caffè e che ti fornisce gadget cinesi con i quali dovresti adornare il tuo locale in occasione dei saturnali dei mediocri noti come “notte rosa”. Non so in realtà che autorità abbia questa gente, ma nei vicoli gira voce che se non collabori ti arrivano i Controlli.

Nota 2- I Controlli (come sopra) non sono regolari ispezioni sanitarie o fiscali, nella mitologia stagionale un Controllo significa vendetta. Non arriva, lo mandano. Lo so che è da matti. Fortunatamente pare che succeda solo in casi di gravissima inimicizia, e anche quando gira la finanza c’è sempre qualcuno che passa a dirti come son vestiti, quindi la vita scorre tranquilla. Credo che sia importante avere una minaccia reale e al tempo stesso vaga, per tenere il volgo sempre distratto. Fine della nota.

Devo ancora decidere come comportarmi con i gadget, ma potrei cedere, mi sto già facendo abbastanza nemici aprendo alle otto.
Apro alle otto anche se tutti gli altri bar di spiaggia aprono alle sette. Se non ci siete dentro non potete apprezzare l’enormità di questa affermazione. Pure io ero convinto che pagare una carriola di tasse e non avere un capo mi avrebbe permesso di fare il cazzo che volessi, ma vien fuori che c’è sempre qualcuno che sa come dovresti lavorare tu. Sempre.
In pratica, dopo due settimane di attento monitoraggio del fatturato ho riscontrato che dalle sette alle otto incasso una media di € 8,23, che si traducono in un guadagno netto per il sottoscritto di € 1,42.
Dopo una riflessione durata circa quattro secondi, con un pennarello ho cancellato “7” e scritto “8” sul cartello degli orari.
Mi pareva semplice, ma la storia è piena di guerre scoppiate perché a uno pareva semplice e a un altro no, e io non sono nessuno per sfuggire al ripetersi degli eventi.
Il giorno seguente è iniziata la processione di sfaccendati che prendono un bar chiuso alle sette in piena Stagione come un attacco ai propri valori, uniti nello sdegno e decisi a ripristinare il glorioso unisono dell’apertura mattutina dei chioschi. Mi portano notizia che il problema è che i Turisti dei bagni 45-46-47 debbano farsi trecento (300) metri in più per il caffè del mattino. Esatto. Questo è un problema.
Ad ogni modo la faccenda ha limitatissime ripercussioni sulla mia vita, quindi sorrido e ignoro. Gli unici problematici sono gli anziani in villeggiatura (non vacanza, gli anziani vanno in villeggiatura). Faticano a fare una rampa di scale, ma se si sentono investiti del sacro ruolo di educatori di una gioventù annacquata rilasciano più energia di una tempesta solare. Leggermente al di sopra delle mie possibilità di sopportazione, ma mica posso ammazzarli.
Comunque, il bar apre alle otto.
Il problema è che alle otto stavo ancora dormendo, che la sveglia segna le otto e venticinque e che il cane è abituato a fare la pipì quando gli apro la porta alle otto meno un quarto.

L’adorabile bestiola non sa se pisciare in un punto a caso o saltare sul letto per tentare di svegliarmi, e non sapendo gestire la tensione decide per entrambe le azioni simultaneamente. Il mio ingresso nel mondo odora di alito e pipì di cane; solo la grande esperienza mi permette di mantenere i nervi saldi. Scaccio gentilmente il cane, individuo la chiazza e scivolo fuori dal letto senza contaminazioni, non avrei tempo per una doccia. Vestiti di ieri, calzini nuovi, tabacco, erba, telefono portafogli chiavi. Una carezza al cane per fargli capire che per oggi può cagare sul divano senza sentirsi in colpa, chiudo la porta, slego la bici e mi avvio. Pedalo con calma per non sudare, tanto ormai sono in ritardo e Carletti mi starà aspettando.
Carletti (ne ignoro il nome di battesimo, si fa chiamare Carletti anche dagli amici), classe 1946, per trentadue anni ragioniere in forza a non so che ditta nel bergamasco, è, fra gli anziani territoriali del bagno 45, il più dedito alla fustigazione dei molli costumi giovanili. Nulla scatena la sua furia come un giovane che non prenda sul serio il proprio Lavoro, nulla lo energizza più che braccare chi non accetti il valore assoluto della Fatica. Personalmente non ho nulla contro la fatica in sé per sé, semplicemente mi innervosisco quando uno che non lavora dal ’97 viene a dirmi che non fatico abbastanza. Uno che ha ricevuto l’ultimo stipendio in lire. Uno che ha vissuto in un epoca in cui ti regalavano le case coi punti del benzinaio. Vabbé.
Oggi non sono dell’umore per sopportare Carletti e fortunatamente con lui non mi sono ancora giocato la Notizia Falsa™.

La Notizia Falsa™ è un mio brevetto che permette di liberarsi dell’anziano per qualche ora, raccontandogli che al bagno n è accaduta la tragedia x. A seconda della distanza m, l’anziano impiegherà un tempo t per tornare infuriato ma consapevole della lezione ricevuta. Oggi tocca a Carletti.
Un centinaio di metri prima del bar, la luce del sole riflessa su un paio di occhiali tipo Craxi rivela che Carletti mi sta osservando. Sono pronto.
Mi fermo a pochi metri da lui, lego la bici e mi dirigo verso la porta simulando indifferenza.
“Buongiorno Carletti”
“Buongiorno. Sa che ore siano?”
“Saranno le nove ormai”
“E a lei pare l’ora di venire al Lavoro?”
“Guardi Carletti che oggi ero anche puntuale, mi son solo fermato a vedere il casino al bagno 13” trentadue bagni ti faccio fare, vecchio bastardo.
“Cioè? Quale casino?” ho la sua attenzione.
“Al bagno 13 un gruppo di bambini è stato attaccato da uno squalo e l’elicottero dei soccorsi è precipitato, sembrava una guerra… c’era pure un furgone della Rai…”
“Ma come! Adesso??”
“Si si, mentre venivo in qua”
“Madonna”
Carletti non dice altro, mi guarda storto e abbandona la battaglia. Ghiottissimo di cronaca nera, la mia pigrizia non lo interessa più. In pochi secondi sparisce fra gli ombrelloni.
La giornata passa serenamente, ma nel tardo pomeriggio Carletti non è ancora tornato. Inizio a chiedermi se non l’abbia combinata grossa, e scacciare dalla mente immagini di mummie essiccate al sole si fa sempre più complicato. Non è tipo da farsi inibire da una burla, sarebbe tornato a combattere. Con un notevole sforzo ripudio il pensiero e continuo a pulire, cercando di distrarmi con le chiacchiere di due anziani che sorseggiano un bianchino al banco. La prima frase che sento è “… e lo han trovato al bagno 21, poveretto, gli è pigliato un colpo.”
Mi paralizzo. Uno dei due nota che sto fissando il vuoto con un flacone di ammoniaca in mano e mi chiede se tutto vada bene. Lo guardo.
“Chi hanno trovato?”
“Sa Carletti, il ragioniere, ha l’ombrellone qua davanti”
“Si, lo hanno trovato al bagno 21, chissà cosa ci faceva…” aggiunge il compare.

Forse dicono qualcos’altro, ma non li sento. In testa rimbomba solo la parola assassinio.
Non gli ho dato una botta in testa, ma l’ho spedito verso una marcia della morte senza premi alla fine.
“Ma si sente bene?” chiedono dal banco
“Devo chiudere. Scusate”
“Ma volevamo l’ultimo bianchino”
“Ve lo faccio nel bicchiere di plastica.”
“Ma così lo svilisce!”
“Non si può svilire il vino frizzante alla spina da un euro, si fidi.” gli spino due vinelli
“Ma lei lo vende.”
“E lei lo beve. Ecco qua. Grazie. Ora devo chiudere. Offro io. Grazie. Scusate” quasi li spintono fuori, non sento nemmeno le loro proteste.
Sbatto la porta. Abbasso i tendoni di tela cerata che fungono da pareti del chiosco. Devo stare solo.
Siedo al primo tavolino, ricordo della mezza canna in tasca e la accendo. Sono un assassino?
Mentre penso che l’assenza di prove potrà garantirmi l’impunità terrena ma non mi laverà la coscienza, la porta scatta alle mie spalle.
L’ansia si trasforma in irritazione, mi volto e appoggiandomi allo schienale della sedia ringhio “Se la porta è chiusa il bar sarà chiu…”
Non riesco a finire la frase.

Sento un ingranaggio spezzarsi nel cervello, tutto si blocca. Io mi blocco.
Carletti è morto. Carletti è appena entrato aprendo la porta del chiosco.

Lentamente ma con decisione si avvicina. Ad ogni passo un poco della sabbia che lo ricopre si smuove e nevica a terra.
Ora è di fronte a me, ma non ho paura. Le statue di marmo non hanno paura.
Una voce roca si insinua nelle mie orecchie.
“Sai che sono qui per te. Vero?”
“Sì…” rispondo, anche se in realtà non lo so. Non saprei nemmeno dire se mi sto pisciando nei pantaloni in questo momento. Sono una statua che dice “sì”.
Avvicina il viso, le pupille dilatate fisse nelle mie. Ha perso gli occhiali tipo Craxi. Sento odore di carne bruciata.
La sua voce è ora un rantolo lussurioso
“C’è solo una cosa che devi sapere, prima.”
Alla fine ho passato una vita niente male. Chissà cosa succede adesso. Grazie a tutti.
Carletti assapora la mia impotenza per un ultimo secondo, poi me lo dice.
“Sappiamo tutti della notizia falsa” e rimane a fissarmi estasiato.
Come un vecchio motore, il cervello riparte scoppiettando.
Carletti è vivo. L’odore di carne bruciata è tipico degli anziani estivi. Gli anziani parlano fra loro. Parlano di me e di come fregarmi. Non mi sono pisciato addosso.
Sento sollievo per non aver ucciso Carletti, unito a delusione per non aver ucciso Carletti.
Durante il minuto che serve per ricompormi, Carletti mi osserva rapito. Se potesse, avrebbe un erezione. Questa gliela dico.
“Peccato che non possa avere un’erezione, Carletti.”
“Non si preoccupi giovane. Il mio spirito è eretto e potentissimo” che schifo.
“Questa è guerra Carletti. Lei lo sa.”
“Rilassati giovane. Ti ho gabbato.”
“Mi ha dato del tu.”
“Scusi. Mi sono emozionato.” gongola.
Non posso fare nulla per impedirgli di godere. Mi arrendo, e nel momento in cui gli concedo la partita mi sento più’ leggero.
“Se non altro ho passato una giornata senza lei fra i maroni, che già è un gran regalo.”
“Dica pure tutto ciò che la fa sentir bene.”
“Vada a casa Carletti.”
“A domani giovane”
Prende la porta.
Domani gli farò sparire quel sorriso.
Adesso vado a farmi una birretta.

Chiudo il bar.
Scritto da Tomaso Mioni
Illustrato da Alfonso Amarante

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  819. And there is no doubt that entrepreneurs on the Internet form a global economic network and at the same time are devoted to a socio-democratic anathema. Likewise, a deep level of immersion plays a decisive value for the positions occupied by participants in relation to the tasks.

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